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It's outrageous to joke about hateful gay slurs in 2021. My public obsolescence has given me a new appreciation for women, who have struggled against social pressure that often links their value to their appearance – which can rise and fall based on fluctuating considerations like age, weight and plastic surgery budget. That’s not intended to say that gay men do not value and support intellectual pursuits, close friendships and other matters of substance. They do. But decades of having the core of your being outlawed, degraded and subjected to violent attack has a way of twisting your priorities and the perception you have of yourself.
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Opinions in your inbox: Get a digest of our takes on current events every day Of course, all people feel anxiety about their bodies, but even a 2016 study found gay men are more likely than heterosexual men to report feeling pressure to look attractive. Now that I’ve stepped in it, please indulge me the wallow: Many gay men place a premium on physical beauty.
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But I had a particular niche of mutual attraction and, at the risk of sounding like I lack all humility, I miss the attention at the gym, the free drinks at the bars and the extra chicken wing I used to find in my greasy carryout bag when I got home. I was never an “A-gay” – a hotness equivalent of the universal blood type.
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Much of what I’m about to say cuts against everything I was taught and mostly believe that the substance of a person is all that is important – so I expect to regret this column, but am compelled to write it nonetheless. Last week, as I slathered myself with anti-wrinkle cream, I examined my body expecting to find a tattooed expiration date announcing that I’d joined the club of older gay men who have small dinner parties, where they recount their glory days and complain about the current generation of their counterparts who fail to give them the respect they deserve. As a gay man who recently turned 60, I’m pretty sure my life is over. Yes, it’s possible that the graying temples, eye wrinkles and extra padding – which has extinguished my dream of ever having discernible abs – have also ushered in a new era of melodrama.Įven so, the virtual invisibility with which I can currently walk through a gay gym or neighborhood is a new experience, and it feels like a forced retirement.